Let me make a long story short:
I called on June 19th to resolve an issue with my line triggering 911 and information calls that made my bills quadruple and made the police come to my residence a ridiculous amount of times... which luckily did NOT turn into a misuse of 911 criminal charge for me. After the customer service telephone operators kept yelling at me, transferring me, and painting a post-apocalyptic picture on what my life would be like if I didn't keep my service, my call was conveniently dropped as the operator claimed she was going to process my cancellation request.
I took to the forums here and while I supposedly got my account closed (I'm unsure because I just got an email saying my bill is up and available for view), my call was dropped again before I was connected with billing to get my final bill pro-rated for when I called to cancel five months ago.
I just want to get this all finalized so it isn't hanging over my head anymore.