Customer: Hello
VZW Rep: Hello, can I help you?
Customer: Yes I’d like to buy a new phone please.
VZW Rep: Oh, well how’s about the new top of the line “Google” phone? *waves hands mystically*
Customer: How is it for making calls?
VZW Rep: Well, it’s got blue-teeth, can give you directions in several different
languages *mutters* except English… knows when you need an update in
software… and firmware… and underwear, and will automatically send it
to your phone OTA….. eventually….. once the bugs are all fixed…….
possibly …. ok never.
Customer: Wow, really? That all sounds super expensive… do I really need all this?
VZW Rep: Of course you do, you want to be better than the “other” network… you
know, those orange branded folk… they have that diva of an actor from
the Old-College movie, or whatever… the ones with the iPhone?
Customer: Well, eh, yes I suppose… is this the same as the iPhone then?
VZW Rep: No.
Customer: Does it offer the same up to date software as current as the day I buy it?
VZW Rep: No.
Customer: Does it allow me to update without voiding my warranty?
VZW Rep: No.
Customer: Well, if I get one and anything happens to it, can I get a replacement if I
don’t like it or it stops working?
VZW Rep: No… well actually, yes…. but only if you call us 11 times at 8:13am on
a Tuesday or a Sunday, in the second week of a 5 week-end month….
when there’s no supervisor in the call center and one of our staff can write
you off as a sale as opposed to another disgruntled customer. Oh and
we’ll have to bill you on the 15th of the month for this service…. But not
allow you to access any change in your data plan until the 26th of the
following month.
Customer: OK, well I guess so… what else does it do?
VZW Rep: *Robot Voice* …Droid
Customer: Huh?
VZW Rep: I’m sorry Sir what did you say?
Customer: I asked what else it did and you made a **bleep** robot noise….
VZW Rep: Oh, yes I’m sorry that is just our Marketing Dept. requirements….
Customer: Does that mean anything?
VZW Rep: No.
Customer: Oh…. It sounds kind of dumb.
VZW Rep: *Whispers* Just wait until you see our after-sales tech support service.
Customer: What?
VZW Rep: Oh, nothing… never mind. *Smiles*
Customer: Well, I really just wanted a basic phone…. for texting and maybe checking
some sports results now and then online.
VZW Rep: Really? *folds arms, sulks* well, there’s an extra charge for that Sir.
Customer: What? Why?
VZW Rep: That’s a “Multimedia” device, which we must charge an additional amount for.
Customer: Umm, ok, well I guess I don’t want it then…. Can I just get a regular phone then for unlimited calls….
VZW Rep: Yes, of course…. And texts?
Customer: Yes, some texting….
VZW Rep: That’s going to be extra sir…. The $69.99 plan only covers unlimited calling, not texting or data.
Customer: Oh, well…. ummm… does any other wireless provider have an all inclusive plan?
VZW Rep: …uh, erm…. Eh… not one like ours….?!?!?
Customer: OK, well I’m going to have to think about it.
VZW Rep: OK sir you have a good day….
VZW Mgr: What was that about?
VZW Rep: Oh just some *&$@ * that wanted to know about an iPhone.
