To say that Verizon is in the basement of my affections would be an understatement right now. I have been in an insufferable state of stasis since the last lollipop(God knows what version) update that occurred in May. Up until that day, I was in love. My Samsung Galaxy Note was everything I hoped for and more, and was by far the easiest relationship I had ever been in. I had always been a get-the-latest-and-greatest kind of girl, but with The Note we were talking forever. And then yesterday, when I missed yet another call because my phone no longer rings, I hit rock bottom. I clutched my phone around its neck, did the 5 skills cues of the overhand throw and slumped to my knees unable to commit the necessary murder. I shook as I got behind the wheel, placed said phone in the trunk so as not to be tempted to haul it out the window, and headed to my local Verizon store where an overly chipper young man greeted me at the door with some shit like, “thank you for choosing Verizon, how may I assist you today?” I reached out my trembling hands and said, “Please take this, I can’t do this anymore. For 3 months my phone has been unable to locate me. It spins “right round baby right round” until it craps out before I even have a chance to think about lunch. Do you know what it’s like to be in the bowels of the Bronx after dusk with a phone that is continually 'searching for GPS' while my passengers are hanging their heads out of the windows navigating by the North Star? I’ll tell ya, it’s akin to the 'ghost poop.' You know, the one you felt release as you rolled past armed, paranoid drug dealers somewhere between Williams’ Bridge and University Heights only to discover when you finally make it home 6 hours later (no thanks to GPS), that all was clear near the derriere. Also, my email doesn’t refresh, and when I finally remember to sync it manually there are more emails than John Mayer’s bedpost notches. As I attempt the thumb scroll, because about 25 messages down I see one that I actually need to read, the screen freezes. IT FREEZES. I can see the email that’s telling me whether or not I have earned that promotion, but I can’t get to it. And no matter how many times I tap, strum, thump or pound, the bloody thing will not budge. Even when I smash it repeatedly against the wall, the floor, my head it will not go. Oh, and let me tell you about Facebook! I don’t remember the last time I was able to see a post without it freezing and usually on a post of someone’s 100+ pictures of their perfect child. I’ve taught 40 classes a week for almost 30 years, I can tell you right now, there is no such thing as a perfect child. And by the way, did I mention that this phone is also less than perfect? What? You want my name? Brie, my name is Brie. Really, someone will help me shortly, how shortly? Twenty minutes? Twenty minutes from now or did the twenty minutes start when I walked in 20 minutes ago? By the way, do you have a charger I can borrow? I charged my phone on the way over, but did I mention that the GPS is still trying to locate me? See, look, you can see it, it’s spinning right round, baby / right round like a record, baby / right round round round ….” Yes, I will have a seat.”
(FAST FORWARD 40 MINUTES AND REPEAT THE ABOVE LITANY TO THE NEXT NOT SO OVERLY CHIPPER ‘HOW MAY I HELP YOU TODAY?” VERIZON DUDE WHO KEEPS CHECKING HIS WATCH BECAUSE IT IS PAST CLOSING TIME) He suggests that they send me another Samsung Galaxy Note, and maybe, just maybe the replacement won’t have the same issues. I ask him to speak to me in percentages. I like to know the odds and ratios of things so that I can make informed decisions. For example I can tell you right now the vegetable to cake ratio in my fridge is 1:4. (This means if I want to even out the playing field I have a lot of cake to eat when I get home, hence informed decision) He tells me there’s a 50-50 chance I will get a phone that’s bug free. Here’s what I have discerned in my short time of meeting this not-so-chipper-I’m-off-the clock-Verizon-dude; he has 3 types of lies for me this evening; lies, damn lies, and statistics. I ask him if there has been a patch for the Lollipop(God knows what version) or if any new phone I purchase this evening will run the risk of the same horrid issues I have been having since May. “Fifty-fifty,” he replies. I’m not digging the odds so I inquire about the Galaxy 6 S Edge Plus coming out. I am assured that any new phone coming right out of the gate will not have these issues, 100% guaran-damn-teed. Now he is talking percentages that I like so I asked him to compare the current Edge with the new Edge Plus coming out. He tells me they are “exactly the same phone except the Plus has a bigger screen. ‘Bout the size of The Note.” His response takes me aback. This same-phone-different-model number sounds too much like an Apple ploy. I’m not buying it. Its damn lies I know it, but I can’t prove it….yet! At this point I have done run out of steam. I am tired, cranky, and craving cake. I decide to do nothing, for now, toss my current POS into the trunk (I can’t even look at it – besides it’s completely dead from spinning right round…..”) and haul myself into the darkness sans GPS.
17 HOURS AND 2 MISSED CALLS LATER
“Good afternoon, welcome to Verizon, how can I assist you today?” I haven’t seen this face before and I am worried that they have sent in even less adept reinforcements, evidenced by the number of patrons spilling across the floor of Verizon. I’m curious as to why this throng of customers isn’t working at 2:00 pm on a beautiful, humidless Tuesday. I am already impatient and inquire about the estimated time for assistance. “Twenty-five minutes,” comes the chipper reply. Obviously we are back to damn lies again. The line here is no shorter than the DMV after a week of “computer training.” I settle in for the long haul. I thumb over my apps and decide that Colorify is probably a good choice; relaxing, cheerful, Zen-like. I tap, strum, thump, POUND on the icon. Frozen. I shake, twerk, whip, and nae nae with abandon right there in the Verizon store proper hoping to jiggle it to life. Frozen. I take several Lamaze like breaths and hit the button to reboot. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? My reboot is on ice, stymied, immobilized, and halted. I am beyond crazed. I inform the newbie at the door that I am taking a self-imposed time out. I toss my frigid ex-lover into the trunk, climb behind the wheel and skirt across town to a lesser known Verizon store. I know I have plenty of time before my name is called. I have played this game several times at the DMV. In fact, I save that chore for grocery day. It is a fact that you can get your number at the DMV, do a week’s worth of grocery shopping, unload them at home, and still make it before your number is called. I’ve done it….TWICE! Miraculously I find a prime parking space and jog into the store. No greeting. I don’t care because all of the Verizon clerks are actually working. There are only two, but both of them are finishing up their transactions. I’m starting to tingle at the prospect of new love. I’ve already bookmarked a few wallet styled phone cases. I’ve chosen the color of my new phone. This time I’m going for the gold! I can feel my shoulders lower and my breathing even out. I almost feel human again. I walk around the small store to peruse the offerings. I caress them all one by one. Run my fingers down the smooth glass and wait to feel the curve of the Edge in all of its rounded beauty. Instead my fingers fall off the hard angled side On. Every. Phone. To my horror I realize that there is not a single Samsung Edge in the joint. Not one. Frantic that I may be soon missing my turn over at the Big Verizon Store I meekly ask one of the clerks if they carry what I am looking for. He looks up excitedly and says, “we have one left!” I close my eyes and ask, “what color?” Black. Oh hell no, I think. Black would clash dramatically with the supple brown leather or the burgundy and gold striped cases that sit in my Amazon cart just waiting for my trembling touch. “Thanks” I yell over my shoulder as I bolt for the parking lot. I screech to a halt back at my original destination. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see the dude-looks-like-a-lady 20-something year old smoking a butt in front of the store. He has managed to amass a rather sizeable heap of stubbed cancer-sticks which in a sad, tragic way is a good sign for me. He was signed in long before me I so I know that at least time-wise I am golden. I peel out unconvinced that all 4 tires are on the pavement. I have one last brilliant idea. Costco. Again, luck is on my side and I easily score a great parking spot. I flash my card, albeit my Joann’s Fabric Teacher Discount card, and speed walk to the cell phone kiosk. One guy working, one woman customer, Life is Good. Again, I start to feel the dopamine levels pulsing bringing me quickly to my happy place. The same sensation I get in the shoe section of any store. There is little time to waste, so I level my eyes on the Verizon specific phone selection and for the Great Love of God I espy it nestled between the Samsung S6 and LG G4. At this point, I have resigned myself to a color other than gold. I’m tired, cranky and craving cake. The clerk, sensing my anticipation looks over the top of the woman in front of me and asks me what I’m looking for. I blurt out in near hysteria, “What color do you have in the Samsung S6 Edge?” He lowers his eyes and replies, “I’m sorry, we don’t carry The Edge.” I feel a mid-life, menopausal surge hit both my face and my voice-box simultaneously. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T CARRY THE EDGE? IT IS RIGHT THERE. (as I reach over and tap, strum, thump and pound on the display model) THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING. YOU SHOULD BE REPORTED TO THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU OR SUED OR BETTER YET I HOPE YOU GET BIT BY A LEGIONAIRRE-CARRYING COCKROACH AND MAY YOUR GARDEN BE OVER-RIDDEN WITH POISON IVY!” In case you are wondering, it is definitely possible for your voice to echo at Costco. At this point I am certain my number has been called at the Original Verizon Store, but I have come too far to turn back now. I am feeling a new kinship with my failing Samsung Note, and a certain sadness has overtaken me at the prospect of letting her go. I have conflicting emotions when I pull up and The Marlboro Man has pulled up stakes. I enter the store and a different newbie is playing the role of greeter. I peek on her tablet and see that there are two people still before me. I am battered and the constant motion of the day has made me dizzy. I realize that perhaps today was not the day to try out my new progressive contact lenses. I wearily walk back over to the newbie and very politely say, “I was quoted a time of 25 minutes over an hour ago. I really just need to know if you carry the Samsung Edge in gold.” I had since decided that I will not now, or ever accept anything less than gold. “I can check in back for you,” she says. “That would be awesome, thank you!” And there she stands. There is a lull, not a soul to be seen. And there she stands. I wait 10 minutes (ok, truthfully 5 at best) and still, there she stands. I approach her with a forced smile and inquire, “I’m sorry, perhaps I misunderstood, I thought you said you could check in back for that phone for me.” “I couldn’t POSSIBLY do that, I am needed here at the front door to sign people in,” she asserts. “You do realize that NO ONE has come in for almost 10 minutes. It is at best a 50 foot walk to the back of the store. I’m quite sure you could’ve made that trek 5 times over by now,” I reply as she continues talking to another Verizon guy who must be the back-up greeter. She looks over her shoulder and snarls, “you’re up next anyhow!” I walk towards the center of the store and see a clerk pretending to do something important on her tablet. I ask if she has a moment to answer a quick question, a simple yes or no. I ask her if she knows if they have a gold Samsung S6 phone in stock. I am hopeful when she asks me how many gigs I’m looking for. I tell her at this point, ANY. She saunters through the back door into the storage area and I swear did an about face and headed right back out. “Nope,” she says. I ask if she’s sure because I know that the slow moving train that went into the storage room could not possibly have done a thorough check of merchandise. “YUP!” (enter young adult eye-roll here) I ask her to speculate as to why a store of that size does not carry an abundance of their newest and most popular models. “No idea,” she says. I ask if I can just buy the phone I want at Verizon on-line or if I have to waste yet another day at this store. “Yup,” she says. “Yup, I can do this on-line or yup I have to waste another day? I inquire. “On-line” (another young adult eye roll) “Spectacular, I wish I had known that earlier. I could’ve ordered from the luxury of my beach towel,” I remark. “Yup. Is your name on the waiting list?” she asked. “Yup,” I reply. “Can I take it off the list?” she asked. “Yup, “ I say. “What’s your name?” she asked. “Use your deductive reasoning skills and figure it out. Oh, and while you’re at it try a thesaurus for an alternative to YUP.” (enter a middle-aged eye roll here) As I passed the greeter on my way out the door I told her I was late picking someone up and that I would need to come right back. I asked how long the wait time was. “Twenty-five minutes,” she replied. I glanced over my shoulder at the poor mob waiting for assistance knowing that they had a better chance of seeing God. “Can I put my name on the wait list? I asked. “Yup, what’s your name?” “Thelma, “ I replied with a smile.
Sorry I couldn't make it through every word in that non-paragraghed wall of text post.
In all the time you were having issues, did you ever complete a FACTORY RESET and setup the phone without re-downloading the applications and settings?
I'm most definitely NOT a VZW employee. If a post answered your question, please mark it as the answer.
Witty post. You sound a bit high-strung. I'd try a factory reset of the device, and if that is unsuccessful, buy a new phone online. Skip the store, save the gas, and save time.
I can certainly understand how frustrating it can be when you experience difficulties with your phone braindancer. I would also like to apologize for the long times spent at the store location. Do you have a lot of third party apps installed in your phone? After, you processed the software update, did you re-install all third party apps to your phone? Did you receive a replacement device? What troublehsooting steps have you done on your phone?
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Yes, there were previous stops at the Verizon store where all of the aforementioned issues were addressed at one time or another and a re-set performed.
The "non-paragraphed wall of a text post" was a tongue in cheek rant hence the uninterrupted form.
Typically I wouldn't consider myself high-strung. However, when pushed to the edge of frustration (multiple times) a less that sweet side will emerge. I have purchased a new phone, ON-LINE, and will continue to only go that route in the future.
Thanks for your reply.
Thanks for your reply, Michelle. I do have a fair amount of third party apps on my phone which were re-installed after the update. I did not receive a replacement device, although it was offered because my intent was to just make it through until I completed paying for the phone. I had visited the store on numerous occasions for assistance with trouble-shooting the mentioned issues. Most fixes worked briefly and then back it went. The good news is that I have ordered a new phone and hope to once again live in wedded bliss.