Wow. That is a pretty darn restrictive list of conditions. Basically you have to buy a screen protector and a really good case and then pray nothing happens. Otherwise you need to pay for the Total Replacement Plan and even it has some pretty high deductibles (depending on the device).
WOW I wish people didn't write their entire questions or complaints in the title. You do understand the purpose of a title don't you? Note to mods, limit the number are characters in the tile of posts so we don't have to put up with this stuff.
If that is how you feel, maybe you should look for one of those old brick/bag phones without a 4"+ LCD screen where the large housing surrounding the electronics help protect it.