A moment of your time please,
I'd like to describe to you in perfect detail an encounter I was fortunate enough to have with the Warranty Department of Verizon customer service. Now before I proceed, a quick shoutout to Bruce in Charlston, South Carolina, who I will refer to as the King for short. King is very talented and loves his job more than most, which will become very apparant to you today. Let's dive into this adventure shall we?
To set the scene, I am in my house, minding my own business when ALL OF A SUDDEN, my HTC One stops charging. Oh no.. I think to myself, as this particular phone was the 3rd HTC One "Certified-Like-New" replacements I've had since October. Seeing as each of the other phones I had died in the same manner, my fear quickly turns to reality... I need to call Verizon customer service.
July 15, 2014 - 5:15 pm. - As sweat begins to bead on my lip, I hesitantly dial the number, each click pushing me closer and closer to this connection I have come to dread so much. I push the send button, only to be greeted with the most beautiful voice in the world, a soft-spoken angel guiding me on my excursion to torture. While my fair maiden continues to rattle off path after path, I frivolously press the 0 button, hoping to break hold of her enchanting clutches. Upon entering my password into the device, I know I've hit the point of no return. I have been chosen now, in a long line of other warriors, waiting for my chance to do battle.
A voice comes across the line, abrubtly cutting the symphony of elevator music I've come to know by heart. A man's voice greets me. I could tell this was not the king, his voice too timid, his approach too naive. After a playful back and forth, I sidestep the mere pawn with a nifty trick called the "let me speak with your superior". Defeat becomes apparant to the poor lad, and he resigns from our duel allowing me to pass on to the true challenge.
This is where the battle becomes real. As the music once again cradles my ears, I begin to plan my attack. Beyond this hold button lies a man eager to prove his might to any creature bold enough to try him. The grainy cuts of the music begin to get in my head. My anxiety rising, beads of sweat turning to streams, heartbeats turning to drum rolls, my warrior demeanor turning to that of a child. I hear the music cut one last time, and I know my time has run out. Here I sit, ear to ear with the King himself.
King: The question of my identity becomes the first issue. "First and Last name?"
Me: "Eric, thats E-R-I-C ---
King: "What seems to be the issue."
Me: He must have been expecting me, I think to myself, or maybe he can read minds. Either or, my last name seemed to make no difference to the King. "I am having trouble with my HTC One. I've had 3 of these phones and each has perished the same as the last. I'd like to get a Certified Like New replacement." At this point, my plan is going well. A few more choice words and the situation should be resolved. The upper hand is mine! I exclaim to myself.
King: "Well, lets take a look at your account shall we?" replies the King, his tone shifting from that of a majestic ruler to more of a disgruntled man.
Me: Oh no... I've angered him. I didn't even bring a peace offering of any sort. No sacrifice, no lamb, no nothing. What a fool, standing here empty handed and asking the King for a favor. "Sounds good to me!" I blurt, as cooperation seems to be my only chance of survival.
King: "It looks like we sent you two back to back because one went to the wrong address, so you've really only had two phones." He seems pleased with himself, as if neither Eliot Ness nor Sherlock Holmes could have come to that conclusion.
Me: Shocked by the abrupt dismissal of my claim, I begin to explain myself. "Well, I received the original phone which I purchased without a two-year agreement. That phone was, and this has been confirmed with Verizon and HTC, defective upon original purchase. The second replacement I received would not charge at all upon plugging it in. This failure of two devices surprisingly led to the adoption of the third device in question. That device shockingly has lost its will to function properly as well." I knew taking such a stand against the King warranted certain death, but I knew what had to be done.
King: "Well it shows here we recommended that you trade in your old iPhone to take money off of the HTC One, so you didn't even pay full retail. The charge here states you only paid around $400.00 for the original phone." The King's patience was notably decreasing with every exchance. His attacks becoming less relevent to the situation at hand, but no less devastating.
Me: Now to the King, $400.00 was pocket change, however, to a peasant like me, $400.00 is no small loss. Embarrassed to be in the presence of someone so financially dominating, I slunk down in my armor. "I paid $400.00 for a new, working phone and have yet to recieve one. I would rather not stick with the same phone that has caused me so much trouble. Is there anyway I can switch to a different Certified Like New replacement model of equal value like stated in your contract?"
King: "We can only change to a new model if the current device is unavailable. Even though this device has a know problem, we must send you this specific device." He seems to not understand the absurdity of his proposal. Nevertheless, the King is clearly not budging. Alright, I can survive with a phone that at least charges. Let's end this. Little do I know, the King has one last jab waiting for me.
Me: "Okay well I guess I'll take the HTC One again. Now when will that arrive?" The query I presented to the King was one I had already known the answer to. Each time previous, the device was overnight shipped free of charge. Why should I expect this time to be any different? To the contrary, the King apparantly answers to no one.
King: "It will arrive in 3 to 5 days."
Me: "Oh...well I have work and need a phone. I can't go through the week without a cell phone." I figure my feeble attempt at gaining some sympathy will at least spare my life today.
King: "Eh... you can survive 3 to 5 days." his voice as condescending as ever.
Me: At this point my inner fire was awakening. I felt the motivation and power of my ancestors coursing through my vains. This is my chance to overthrow the King in his own castle. "Excuse me? I am a customer who has paid an incredible amount of money to your establishment and tolerated countless mistakes made on your end. I am deeply ashamed you feel that you can treat customers like you have me, and hope for their sake that other customers avoid any opportunity to make your acquaintance." You did it. You stood up to the King. You will be a hero when you return. People will parade through the streets with you hoisted on their shoulders, the warrior who fought back. I, a young peasant, have shamed the all mighty ruler, and yet I feel...empty. It was at that very moment I realized that the roles I had assumed from the beginning were completely the opposite. The King, who rules all things Verizon Warranty, rules just that. Outside of this arena we currently preside in, this King lacks power of any type, and therefore rules his limited land with an iron fist. I, however, have found that in some cases I do not own the power, but without the peasant to boss around, the King is a ruler of nothing. For I, the peasant, give the King purpose. That is enough satisfaction for me.
Thanks for sticking around to the end, and I hope you at Verizon get a good kick out of it, however, note that while the witty comments may promote a humorous feel, this piece is as true as it is discouraging. The customer service here has severly pained my family and I and it is my outward recommendation for any potential future Verizon customers to look elsewhere.
Hopefully you write for a living. It was too long.
Problem here is to say or state your issues in the least number of words.
Bottom line is any customer service person could have sent you out another Certified Like New piece of junk. There was no need to ask for a manager or supervisor.
And some times that timid first representative might have sent your replacement out overnight. But you have to be nice to the surfs, you don't want the king involved.
Good Luck
I'll add that snarky reply to my writing repertoire 
I had to contact you
3 times in the past two days to get this straightened out. You, my good sir
or madam, simply reply to emails, and in no way help the person with the
complaint. I truly thank you for your lack of anything useful, and hope
you enjoy the rest of your unproductive day!
Best regards,
Your #1 fan
Ha ha I wish at times I did work Verizon Wireless, but alas young Conan Doyle I do not.
You can not receive service from me other than sage advice.
You get more bees with honey than you do vinegar.
The first person you spoke with could have been helpful, however by your short story you jumped right to "Get me a manager or supervisor" this did not bode well for you once you got him/her into trouble.
A simple process of getting a replacement then even with your injecting humor was making the process just that much more difficult.
The phones are then replaced with same or like devices. You can say you don't want that same device but it will not go your way unless the devices are no longer available.
In fact after a certain number of certified like new replacements in most cases you would not get a fourth device.
The phone not working is a device maker issue not Verizon wireless.
You could have called the maker of the device for warranty. But you chose Verizon who warrants as a courtesy to their customers. If the device maker had its way the delay in getting a replacement is much longer than what Verizon stated you had to wait. Be thankful for the service you received because it could have been much worse.
And I am retired and my days are wonderful! But thank you for worrying about me. I appreciate your concerns.
Good Luck
I don't work for verizon and I've tried posting contact information for people to be able to actually get direct access to people that can handle their problems but (discussion of moderation removed as required by the Verizon Wireless Terms of Service) As far as usefulness goes I can't help the fact that I cant directly post the information and have to have people email. i don't see how you've emailed me for a number when others have and had their issues resolved and gratefully offered me one of their old smartphones to use while i await my issues to get resolved. Goodluck in your endeavor then
Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE smartphone
Thinking back, I'd like to apologize for the response proposed. Perhaps it
was a little too personal. My point is. Verizon has cause us a lot of
grief, and absolutely nothing you have said/done has been beneficial to me
or you. You are wasting my time just as the rest of Verizon has. The lack
of help and obviously disrespectful messages received have been forwarded
to (removed) VP of customer service.
Enjoy your day,
(removed)
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