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My TV is only in Spanish, how do I get programming in English????!!!!!!!!!!!! This is ridiculous. And how do I get a real life person to
Your problem might be local to your TV set; check your owner's manual for a setting about the "Second Audio Program" or "Default Audio Language" or similar option.
As far as talking to a human at Verizon, unreasonably long wait times are normal.
Try pressing Menu > settings > Lanuage > Audi Language > English preffered.